The Dance of Balance

Welcome to the October Carnival of Natural Parenting: Staying Centered, Finding Balance

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared how they stay centered and find balance. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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Balance (I)

“Balance,” you say.

I will brashly claim that it is the Holy Grail of the over-worked, over-tasked, over-everything-ed mother these days. In the pursuit of this elusive treasure, I have read almost every book on organization in the library. I have followed the guidelines for up to 20 minutes at a time. I have meditated, gone to yoga classes, gone back to school, quit school, quit my job, stayed home with the kids, gone back to work, and (most recently) quit my job again to write and teach full-time.

Before I go any further, I have two confessions/clarifications. First, I taught a week-long workshop on balance this summer that I am hoping to reprise.(1) Second, in case this leads you at any point to think that I’ve got it together, I completely forgot that I was supposed to be writing this and had to be reminded.

So, if I haven’t got it together, and I still forget, drop and neglect things, what is it that I claim to be teaching at this workshop on Balance?

Well, after pursuing the balance-as-time-management approach for nearly a decade, I have decided that it doesn’t work. Yes, you can get better at time management, you can be on time for things, you can have a tidier house, a more successful career, and (in principle), more quality time with your kids and spouse. You can Get More Done. However, that is not balance; it is looking balanced… which is not the same thing.

Let me rewind five years to the height of my time-management solution. At that point, I had two children and a full time job with a 3-hour round trip commute, I was renovating a house, I was taking graduate courses, I was volunteering at the church, and I was juggling a somewhat complicated romantic and social life.(2) Boy, was I managing. Every moment of every day was scheduled. I was listening to language tapes in the car so that I could reclaim some of that 15 hours of the week. One day, one of my colleagues told me that her therapist had told her that she needed to take 15 minutes for herself, and I looked at her, incredulous. “15 minutes?” I asked. She nodded. “He means in a week, right?” Here’s the thing: She didn’t laugh at me, because she considered it every bit as unfathomable as I did.

I vividly remember arriving home one evening after supper and lying on my back on the kitchen floor for 15 minutes before I could even consider moving, and thinking, “Something has to change.”

First, I needed to Do Less Stuff, not just keep doing the same stuff more efficiently. I needed to figure out what the most important stuff was, and to stop doing the rest of it. And I needed to start asking for help – and rather a lot, it turned out. I withdrew from the graduate program, and asked my partner to start looking for work in a smaller centre where my financial contribution would be less urgent/compulsory. I asked my parents to rescue me from my incomplete house.(3) I even entertained the possibility that a mother who couldn’t function when she got home from work might not be the most useful or emotionally supportive family member to have around and started taking 15 minutes every now and then to do fluffy-girly things like yoga, breathing, and meditation.(4)

And those fluffy-girly things that I started doing grudgingly because somebody else’s therapist recommended it turned out to change my conception of the very idea of Balance.

Balance (II)

Balance is an internal state of your body. I wouldn’t be the first to claim it as a sixth sense. Strictly, it is the ability of your body to keep itself in equilibrium, but it is not just a matter of being able to stay upright (or upside down). Your body lets you know when you are “out of balance”. You may have a recurring eye-twitch that alerts you when things are out of control. The pains in our shoulders, backs, necks, and knees are warnings and calls for attention. So are conversations about how little sleep you are getting. Not a good sign.

For one moment, sit upright and as still as you can. Now, as you are sitting there, pay attention to the subtle shifts in your muscles that are keeping you upright. If try to sit too long in that position, they get tired. That’s because you are constantly adjusting and the muscles are working. If something happens to startle you or push you off balance, it takes more work to get back to equilibrium. You might even fall down.

The key in this approach is to recognize that it isn’t static; there is no Holy Grail that you can get to. Perfect schedule, finances in order, house tidy, sex the right number of times per week, enough sleep and exercise, proper nutrition, perfectly supported children, flossed teeth, and whatever the most favoured issue of the week is… Even if you get it right for a few minutes, or a few hours, or a few days, or (if you are very lucky) a few months, something will throw a wrench in the works. It is a dynamic process. Balance is about dancing. It is about finding the right solution this minute, and the next minute, and the next. It is about keeping in touch with your internal monitor so that you don’t find yourself on the floor in crisis before you notice that something is out of kilter. And, on those moments that you do find yourself on the floor, (because they will come) balance is about having the resources to pick yourself up, or ask for help.

Flash forward to this week. I went to a dinner with my husband. I finished a pair of socks. I went canoeing. I took my youngest child to the playground. I wrote some of my long-abandoned thesis, and I wrote some blog posts. I spent some time in the back yard playing pirates and looking at bugs. I hosted a potluck for friends. I hung out laundry. When it was obvious that we were going to be caught in traffic, I parked the car and played tag with the kids while we waited. I attended a meeting at the library and delivered a passionate speech about the environmental importance of finding a more meaningful way of living. And this time, when I found myself lying on the kitchen floor, it was because of a tickle fight, not a traffic jam.

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1. I promise not to spam you; it’s in Nova Scotia. Unless you want to be spammed, and can get to NS, in which case, leave a comment.
2. Which I might explain some other time. But it’s not really the main point right now.
3. Which they did, in spades, and with great kindness and generosity. They’ll get a posting of gratitude some other time.
4. Because despite 4000 years of tradition, everybody knows that yoga, meditation and breathing practices are only for girls. And all this silly self-care talk is really about self-indulgence. Or, you know… Something like that.

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Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be updated October 12 with all the carnival links.)

Balance — Sheila at A Gift Universe has put her baby first — and has no regrets. (@agiftuniverse) A Moment for Mama — Starr at Earth Mama has learned how to recharge on the run, so she doesn’t miss a moment with her children. Take a 30-Minute or 5-Minute Me-Break — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now discusses the merits of taking small daily breaks to maintain balance. (@DebChitwood) Achieving Balance — In a guest post at the new Natural Parents Network, Heather explains how yoga has helped her find balance in her personal and family life. (@NatParNet) A Stitch in (Quiet) Time Saves Momma’s Mind — Joni Rae at Tales of a Kitchen Witch Momma didn’t realize she needed “me” time — until she got it and had no idea what to do with herself. (@kitchenwitch) Attachment Parenting and Balance — Michelle at The Parent Vortex believes that the last item on the “attachment parenting” list is both the most important and the most overlooked. (@TheParentVortex) Little Breaks Bring a Little Balance — Jen at Grow with Graces finds balance – some days! (@growwithgraces) Finding Balance — Are you a Type A mama? Dionna at Code Name: Mama is, and she needs your help to find balance. (@CodeNameMama) (high)Centered — Stefanie at Very, Very Fine has had a spa gift certificate sitting on her nightstand since last year, a symbol of her inability to take time for herself. Taking Time for Me — Marita at Stuff With Thing takes refuge in the world of books, with her daughters immersed in reading beside her. (@leechbabe) Writing as a parent: October Carnival of Natural Parenting — Lauren at Hobo Mama didn’t let parenting put her passions on hold. (@Hobo_Mama) The Dance of Balance — Balance isn’t static. It is dynamic, it is a dance, it is about keeping in touch with you. Read this wonderful bit of wisdom from Seonaid at the Practical Dilettante. (@seonaid_lee) Rest Hour – a Primer — Do you get 15 minutes to yourself each day? How about an hour?! Mrs. H. at Fleeting Moments shares her tips on how to incorporate a “rest hour” for adults and kids. Separation Is Critical — Only through enforced separation with the end of her marriage did Jessica at This is Worthwhile realize she should have taken time apart all along. (@tisworthwhile) Bread, Roses, and a Side of Guilt. — Betsy at Honest 2 Betsy isn’t ashamed to admit that she enjoys a pint once in awhile, or that her daughter recreates it during pretend play.

The World from Within My Arms — Rachael at The Variegated Life finds balance despite her work and her husband’s commitment to art through attachment parenting. (@RachaelNevins) Balancing the Teeter-Totter — Rebecca is rediscovering balance by exploring her interests and passions in several different categories. She shares in this guest post at The Connected Mom. (@theconnectedmom) Balancing this Life — Danielle at born.in.japan is slowly learning the little tricks that make her family life more balanced. (@borninjp) Uninterrupted Parenting — Amy at Innate Wholeness has learned that she does not need to interrupt parenting in order to find balance. Knitting for My Family — Knitting is more than just a hobby for Kellie at Our Mindful Life, it is her creative and mental outlet, it has blessed her with friendships she might not otherwise have had, and it provides her with much-needed balance. Taking the Time — Sybil at Musings of a Milk Maker has all the time she needs, now her girls are just a bit older. Please, Teach Me How — Amy at Anktangle needs your help: please share how you find time for yourself, because she is struggling. (@anktangle) A Pendulum Swings Both Ways — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment found herself snapping with too little time for herself, and then veered toward too much. Finding Balance Amidst Change — It took a season of big changes and added responsibility, but Melodie of Breastfeeding Moms Unite! now feels more balanced and organized as a mama than ever before. (@bfmom) At Home with Three Young Children: The Search for Balance, Staying Sane — With three young kids, Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings knows parents sometimes have to adjust their expectations of how much downtime they can reasonably have. (@sunfrog) Attachment Parenting? And finding some “Me Time” — As a mother who works full time, Momma Jorje wants “me” time that includes her daughter. A Balancing Act — Sheryl at Little Snowflakes has concrete ways to help keep centered with a little one and a new baby on the way, from exercise to early bedtimes to asking for help. (@sheryljesin) Aspiring Towards Libra — Are your soul-filling activities the first to be pushed aside when life gets hectic? Kelly of KellyNaturally.com aspires to make time for those “non-necessities” this year. (@kellynaturally) SARKisms for Sanity — Erica at ChildOrganics has found renewed inspiration to take baths and laugh often from a book she had on the shelf. (@childorganics)